So, I managed to forget my password for my previous blog and couldn’t retrieve it so it has taken me a while to sit down and start a new one but here goes. I’ll be putting my old blog posts on here as well and may even start a website!
It’s amazing how much I have missed blogging, it is almost a kind of therapy for me and, whilst it was scary at first to put my thoughts out there, the benefits far outweigh the scariness!
Since I last wrote, my mental health has improved so much. It’s weird how CBT didn’t seem to do anything for me at the time but I have started to implement the techniques and I definitely feel calmer.
Having said that I did have a wobble earlier this week. I felt very unsettled but didn’t have the energy or inclination to do anything or go anywhere. It took a friend asking me whether anything had happened to make me feel unsettled to make me really think and realise that this month is the first anniversary of my nan dying. I don’t know the exact day but I know it was June. First anniversaries are always difficult, first anythings are difficult I find after a bereavement, first birthday, first Christmas, first anniversary.
I still get teary when thinking about my nan which is why I still think I need some more support. I expect I’ll always get teary but I find it difficult to think of my nan at the moment as I’m at that stage where I just miss her and can’t think of the positive things that she did and contributed to.
I don’t know my gran’s anniversary either although I know it was January as I had just started my job. My mum’s anniversary is etched into my head. 10th August. I prefer not to know as I prefer to have those moments of remembering popping into my head anytime rather than on a fixed date. I think that’s part of the reason why I still continue to struggle with ‘coming to terms’ with my mum’s death. I’m still angry. I don’t even know what I’m angry at sometimes but the feeling is there.
I still get anxious if my husband doesn’t come home when he says he will be home and I still automatically think he has been involved in a car crash and died if he is late home by more than an hour. It’s not a great way to be but he has learnt to give me the latest time possible he will be home. That way he is always early.
I read somewhere that grief never ends but neither does love. I guess some days it is easier to remember the love rather than the grief.