Sometimes it’s hard to believe things happen for a reason, particularly when it’s something bad. After my mum died, I struggled to think of a reason for what happened. I looked to my religion for answers and yet I couldn’t find any. I used to attend church every week with my mum but since she died I’ve never attended a Sunday service again. I’m pretty certain it’s because I was angry that something like that happened and there was no reason other than “there must be a reason”. I’m still pretty angry now it has to be said but recently I’ve felt the need to return to church. I haven’t acted on it yet and I may not but it’s there.
Perhaps the need is to reconfirm to myself that things do happen for a reason. The past few weeks have been a bit tough for me. I’m not the kind of person that easily says things have been tough. I pride myself on being open-minded and talkative but I’m aware I do keep my innermost thoughts to myself sometimes. I think my husband, my nan, possibly my aunts and maybe a couple of my friends are the only ones who I truly share things with. That doesn’t mean other people aren’t special to me because they are. I just feel like I should protect them maybe or perhaps I’m worried about their reaction.
Anyway, the past few weeks have been rubbish. Then my husband finally made it home and since then things have felt different. Better different. It’s amazing the difference a person can make to another person’s life. I was sat on the evening of the 10th and suddenly it hit me. I’d already recognised that it was the anniversary of my mum’s death, 10th August 1992. Then I thought, maybe my husband made it home because someone, something knew it would be slightly easier for me if my husband made it home. Or maybe the flights finally sorted themselves out. Or maybe it just happened and there is no reason. But I like to think my mum sorted it out. I like having a reason. I’m still working out some of the reasons for things in my life and sometimes I don’t agree with the reasons but I search for them nonetheless.
I don’t believe our lives are pre-defined when we are born. I believe we have free will which enables us to react to other events and change the directions our lives take. I don’t think this post turned out the way I meant it to but it’s helped me to drain some thoughts from my brain which will hopefully help me to sleep!