The title says it all really. Every now and then I attempt to self destruct. Not myself literally. Just everything around me. Mainly my marriage.
Tonight was a partial self destruction. It was only partial because my husband is now so well tuned in to me that he chooses to give me space and time to calm down and realise that self destructive mode is not helpful or wanted.
Having a self destructive self is something that has been bubbling under the surface for some years now. I managed to hide it for a while pretty successfully. My self destructive mode stems from my mum I think. Being scared that something really good and lovely can be taken away from me in an instant therefore I attempt to destroy it before that happens. It doesn’t take a psychology degree and hours of therapy to work that out.
After the self destructive stage comes the self loathing stage. Trying to convince myself that my husband would be better off without me. Then the self pitying stage which is where I currently am at. Well I would be if I didn’t have a well timed message from a friend.
Some days I can convince myself. That my past and losing my mum hasn’t affected me. That I’m strong and ‘with it’ and coping well. Then I have times like today where I’m not so sure. Self pity is not a world I enjoy spending time in. It is grey and bleak and empty. It is full of tears and sadness and regret. It is being in a big deep hole with no ladder or footholds or way out.
I can hear my nan telling me to sort myself out. She is guiding me to those footholds with my mum. I will.