Looking for a ladder

The title for this blog post is perhaps one of my more bizarre blog post titles but bear with me.

A few years ago I sought some help with my mental health. Thankfully I have a supportive family and a supportive manager/work colleagues so the process was perhaps less painful than anticipated even though overdue (purely on my part).

Every year I enter a period of time from mid July until mid August where I would quite like to hide away but instead seem to fluctuate between making lots of plans to regretting the fact I have made lots of plans. It can be exhausting. It’s not surprising to me in one sense as I know the trigger, my mum’s death, but in another I am surprised because it’s been a long time since it happened.

This year it will be 25 years since my mum passed away. Quarter of a century. I think about all the things I’ve done during those 25 years that she missed out on, going to uni, travelling, getting married. My emotions fluctuate between sadness and feeling pretty angry.

This Saturday I’ll be celebrating the 25th wedding anniversary of my aunt and uncle. The last family occasion with my mum that I can remember. Perhaps that’s why I feel like I’m struggling a little. I forget that other things can trigger.

The difference is that now I am aware. I envisage myself right now in a big black hole. I need a ladder to get out. I know who can help provide the ladder but more importantly I know there is a ladder. At one point 5 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine a ladder long enough to help me out and now I can.

I’m still sad. And angry. Upset. Frustrated. But on Wednesday I made a conscious decision not to go to a course because I knew that I needed to just stay home and watch reality tv and have a quiet night.

I know that this month will be tough. I don’t expect you to offer support because I know I’ll be able to ask for it. That was the toughest thing to acknowledge.

I don’t even know the point of this blog post but it feels good to get it out there. Thank you for reading.

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