Therapy and me

As some of you may know, I’ve recently started studying for my Masters in Counselling and Psychotherapy. It’s been a very long journey and I’m still not convinced I will actually make it but I’m going to give it a good go!

Part of the course requires me to attend therapy, pretty much weekly. I was really scared to sign up for therapy because it meant I would have actually had to face all that stuff I’ve locked in very secure boxes over the years. I feared for my relationships, friendships, marriage and just general sanity.

I’m about 8 sessions in and here is what I have learned.

Therapy isn’t about changing me. It’s about taking all the stuff out of the boxes, cleaning it, thinking about it and then deciding how to cope with it. I’ve learned that the death of my mum at a young age has had an impact. I’ve spent years pretending that I have coped and her death hasn’t had an impact on me but it has. Even coming to that realisation has been a massive thing for me. And now I can just miss her.

I’ve learnt that I’m in the career I’m in not because law didn’t want me but because I didn’t want the law enough.

I’ve learnt that injustice really makes me angry and that it’s not change that I don’t like but that I don’t like not being able to control certain changes. Mainly because a big thing happened to change my life that I couldn’t control.

I like working in small teams. They might be in a big organisations but I like small teams. I might seem to be a social person but I’m always assessing how close I can let you get to me.

I have lots of friends. I have a small number of friends who are on the inner circle close to me. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate all my friends. I do.

I struggle to let friendships go because I see it as a failure on my part that I can’t make a friendship work. I’m getting better at this though.

I cry as a form of protection because I don’t want you to continue talking to me about the thing that made me cry.

My dad has been a massive influence on me. More than I ever realised. He influenced my work ethic, my views and my ability to articulate those views.

I get scared about the depth of my feeling towards my husband because I’m a strong independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Yet I need my husband. He’s my balance.

Roll on the next 3 years!

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